If Only It Were That Easy...

A Life Like The Movies

I am a movie buff. There aren't many movies that I won't watch. I am always looking for a lesson to take away, a nugget of knowledge or wisdom to suck in. My husband always jokes about how I can turn any movie into a Bible lesson. This is 40 - challenge accepted. 

As I watched a movie recently, I was in awe of all that the lead couple accomplished before noon. I started taking notes, determined to become like this powerhouse of a couple. Giddy with anticipation, I made my list for the next day. The day was going to be great. Just like in the movies.

My day sucked. As I prepared for bed that night, I pondered my epic failure of an attempt to movie life. I discovered a few things that I believe contributed to the demise of my spectacular expectations.

1. It takes time to have great looking hair, first thing in the morning.

2. Movies don't account for bathroom breaks. I believe time should stop any time you are in the bathroom.

3. Bras

4. If you are going to attempt to do something that you saw in the movies, multiply the time by about 400.

5. It's basically a facebook slideshow.

The movies are a highlight movie reel. Sure, we see the mom in the shower (for all of 4 seconds), and then she's serving the kids breakfast while fully dressed (with bra), makeup and model ready hair. What we don't see is the 15 minutes of rushed shower time that needs to include shaving, conditioning, exfoliating, and scrubbing. We don't see the mirror inspection (is that a new mole?), the time spent on hair (it seriously takes an hour to dry mine) and makeup. Then there is deciding what to wear (will anyone see me today? and if yes, who?), and of course yelling at the kids to get their butts out of bed for the 15th time (unless of course it is summer, in which case you are tip toeing around your house trying not to wake them up). 

In the movies, even the frazzled mom looks great. In reality, my hair is in a ponytail, I think I showered yesterday, the kids can get their own breakfast (chocolate is healthy, right?), I will find my bra around noon, and I will make an appointment with the dermatologist to have that mole checked. 

Not all days are like this, but some are. Those are the days I pop in a movie and wish I could yell "cut" in my own life, skip the time consuming tasks and just watch my highlight reel. The highlights are what stay with us anyway. In my reel, my hair was glossy and bouncy (not pulled up in a clip, dry, and questionably clean), and my shirt didn't have a stain on it when my youngest daughter took her first step. Everything was perfect. 

The behind the scenes footage might make us cringe sometimes and the making of can be brutal, but I wouldn't miss the action for anything. That is what makes the final cut so amazing. Once you edit, you are left with the greatest show. Your life!

Love and Blessings!

Bri

Lessons From My Children

It probably isn't fair. Sometimes I think I learn much more from my children than what I actually teach them. They are constantly teaching me to be a better person, a better mother, a better Christian. Can I take credit for their brilliance? Probably not, but they sure do make me proud.

Hard Lessons

"You still act like you weigh 300 pounds."  This, from my son. At first I was confused, then I objected. His words sank in and I realized.....he was right. There were still things that I wasn't doing. Activities I wouldn't attempt. My thinking was still stuck at my former weight. I was still of the mindset that I couldn't do anything until I reached my weight goal. Only then could I start behaving the way I always wanted to. 

So we made a pact to engage in a fun physical activity every day. Yesterday was kayaking. It was something that I thought I was too big to do. It turns out I'm not. And my kids and husband and I all loved it. Kayaking is something we are going to be doing quite often. Today is boxing. I can't wait for that this afternoon. Also on the list is canoeing, hiking, running a 5k, karate, a trampoline, horseback riding.....

So now I play on the playground equipment with my youngest. I laughed when I went down the slide. My son helped me realize that I wasn't acting my weight. I was walking in a shadow of my former self.

Time Well Spent

Standing in line at the store, after hurrying through to get the items on my list so I could go on to the next errand, I heard a sound. I looked down to see my youngest daughter quietly crying. I immediately asked her what was wrong.

"You don't spend enough time with us."

In defense mode, I replied, "Yes, I do. I am with you all of the time."

"No," she sniffled, "You don't. You are always on your phone or the computer or taking pictures or in your room or reading."

My heart had been gutted. Blood pulsated through my head and I could barely breathe. Was she right?

And then I heard my son say to her, "My friends see their parents even less than we see ours. We're lucky."

Lucky? They didn't look lucky to me at that moment. And I certainly didn't feel lucky. My daughter was right. Boundary lines had blurred for me. I was taking business calls in the evening. I was being available at all times to all people....except the ones who so desperately need me the most. And I had convinced myself otherwise because I saw them all day long. Only....I wasn't really seeing them. 

Working from home is a difficult thing. I am here, but not really. I realized just how hard that is on my kids. And I realized just how much I am on my phone - calls, emails, texts, messages. Only half listening to what my kids were trying to tell me. 

It's a hard habit to break. I've been leaving the phone behind more. I am setting up clear work boundaries. Family time is family time only now. I am no longer easy to get a hold of. My focus is moving back to where it needs to be. With my family. And me time is now out of the house, away from the kids so that they aren't feeling ignored. We are slowly inching our way toward balance.

Love and Blessings!

Bri

Asking the Right Questions

Where?

That's a great question, isn't it? Where am I going? Where have I been? Where are you? Where is this relationship headed? Where? Where? Where?

Always searching for that pivotal place that screams - "This is IT! I've arrived. I matter. I'm a success. I've achieved.......IT."

Where is..it? Do we even recognize it when we see it? Does it even exist? How do we know when we have reached that destination? The destination that we long for. The IT that validates us. The goal of pure perfection.

Is it really perfection we're after or is it merely the dream that we chase? And then, when the dream becomes stale, we stop chasing. We tell ourselves that weren't going anywhere with that dream. We justify our reason to not persevere. We find a new "it" to chase for awhile, until it too grows cold.

Where do you chase something you can't identify? And are you really chasing it or are you really following it's shadow? It's in the shadow that desire wanes.

We run after something without knowing why. Then, if we finally reach it, the victory is hollow. Regrets of why become our new anthem.

Why did I want this?
Why did I waste my time?

Maybe the real answer is to ask ourselves why before where. Maybe if we knew the why first, we could save ourselves some heartache. We could follow the right path to the right destination. We could realize that we already matter along the way. We could find our successes in every step forward. Walking in the light of "it" instead of the shadow, blinded by the chase.

Overwhelming Schedules and Panic Attacks

"Calm down."

Those two words came out of my husband's mouth a few days ago. He could see my panic rising. Not that it's easy to miss when it gets going. I looked up with a tear filled frenzied look in my eyes and responded, "We're trapped again."

I was writing our church volunteer schedules onto the calendar. Our calendar was looking so full now and suddenly I couldn't breathe. Flashes of another time and place bombarded me and I just wanted to run away.

Some people thrive on a completely filled schedule. They embrace having something to do every minute of every day. Kudos to those of you like that. I am not one of those people. I tried to be that once and it nearly destroyed my family and me.

Fear. I was letting it get to me. The only option with fear is to chase after it and face it head on. That is when I find I grow the most.

So, I calmed down, as my husband so lovingly suggested. I focused on the blocks that were not filled in with ink. My husband reminded me that it is not like before and that my little free spirit self was safe to fly when needed.

Deep breath in and deep breath out. Okay, I felt better. He was right (again, ugh!). My family is still able to come first. And I really love the areas I volunteer in. I walk in knowing that my identity in Christ is not found in my identity in the church. The pressure is off (unless I put it there). My focus is longer on how I am not....enough, but in Christ and who I am in Him.

Bri

Wonder Woman and My Superhero

My friends and family all know about my love of Wonder Woman. And I see the eye rolls from people when they see a grown woman wearing her Wonder Woman shirt, necklace, bracelet......out in public. I don't care - I love her and I let the whole world know it. What I don't typically talk about is why I love her so much.

Wonder Woman is a link to my dad. I don't have an abundance of joyous childhood memories, and even less with my dad. There is one, however, that has always stood out. One memory that has comforted me over the years. One moment that held me when my dad didn't anymore. One that continues to do so.

I am not even sure how old I was, but I believed I was Wonder Woman. I was bouncing across the sofa in my Wonder Woman underoos, deflecting bullets from the bad guy (played by my dad) off of my bracelets. Finally, I caught him with my lasso of truth.

              "Tell me a truth, daddy", in my most serious Wonder Woman tone.

              "I love you more than you'll ever know." Then he smiled that big smile of his and lifted me high so that I was soaring in my invisible jet. He made me feel invincible. He was my superhero and he loved me.

He left when I was five. And I saw him less than once a year. Every Christmas, I would jump when the phone rang....hoping and praying that he would remember to call that year. Sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't. I would make up excuses to call him, say that I needed something - just so he would pay attention to me. In junior high, I spent an entire chorus concert watching the door because he told me he might make it. He didn't. He never made it to my high school graduation. He met my husband for the first time after we had been married for 8 years because I hadn't seen him in ten.

Over the years, I would resolve to not care. Every once in awhile, something would arrive in the mail from him. Something Wonder Woman. And I would remember that moment, as a little girl, when I believed he loved me.

In July of 2010, I got a call that he was sick. So, I went to Florida to see him. He was his usual charming, funny self and refused to have any conversation that was heartfelt or serious. As I was preparing to leave, he gave me one of his famous hugs. He gave the best hugs. He would hold you really tight, and then just as he would start to let go, he would pull you back in tight again. The hug seemed to go on forever. And he said, "I love you more than you'll ever know". Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.

I was back down there when he died in April 2011. He was already dying and never woke up while I was there. I lay on the bed next to him, holding his hand, my head on his shoulder, telling him over and over again that I loved him through my tears. I left Florida as soon as he passed.

I didn't know if he really loved me. Because, actions speak louder than words, right? I mean, that is what we're taught. I started to believe that he didn't love me. I couldn't see it. He didn't do what dads are supposed to do. I was broken. Gone were my dreams of dad swooping in like the superhero I had, at one time, believed him to be. I would never hear his voice again. I would never have another one of his hugs that I so badly craved. There was no more hope to repair a relationship that had gone so far awry. It was over. And I was left gutted.

My husband did something amazing. He bought me a Wonder Woman necklace and a Wonder Woman shirt, just over a year ago. It was the most precious gift - a reminder of my greatest memory of my dad - and one that I had locked away after he died. And I finally saw it. The actions behind the words. He wasn't capable of being a "normal" dad and he wasn't perfect. But he sent me reminders through the years of that moment when I knew I had his love. It turns out I had it all along.

So, if you see me out in my Wonder Woman gear - it's probably because I was really missing my dad that day. My superhero, who loved me more than I ever knew.

Bri

When You Walk Your Destined Path

When walking in your purpose, outside criticisms die away. You are able to distinguish your good relationships from your toxic ones. You are able to see people with clarity - without judgment or prejudice. Why? Because you can see your purpose now. You are living it. When you are fixated on what is good and true.....all of the ugly of the world simply falls away.

Staying on your destined path of purpose is not always easy. The best things never are. There are always temptations along the way. When you are weary and want to slow down or when you are fulfilling your purpose to highest degree.... That is when distractions come your way.

I had a distraction recently. It was a distraction that I wrestled with, on and off, for a few days. It's never fun when you find out someone doesn't like you. Why doesn't she like me? What is wrong with me? Why am I defective? Why? Why? Why?  Oh, yeah, I went there.....thankfully, only briefly. Once upon a time, that would have sent me on a weekend binge of all chocolate within a 20 mile radius.

Now, because I am a woman of purpose, I can see more clearly now. I can ask the right questions. Am I surprised by this? No. Does her opinion really matter? No. Do I like me? Yes. Do I have people in my life who like me? Yes. Do their opinions matter? Yes. Do I know the reason why she doesn't like me? Yes, because I didn't fit into the mold of her ideal of what a Christian woman should be. Should I care then what she thinks? No. Do I want to fit into her mold? No. Then why do I care whether or not she likes me?

Now, it took me a couple of days to go through this internal conversation. I had a choice - to let the distraction become an obstacle on my path or to brush it aside. Was I hurt? Yes, and it's okay to be hurt by someone, but that hurt can affect my path, my walk, and my purpose one of two ways. I could acknowledge the hurt, forgive and move on - making me a stronger person.....or I could hold on to it and let it fester - allowing it to grow and distract until I found myself off of my path and floundering without direction.

So, I chose to acknowledge, forgive, and move on. Why? Because my purpose is more important than someone's opinion.

Love and Blessings!
Bri

Search for Body Confidence

I experienced my very first water slide ride yesterday. Thirty-five years old and I had never been on a water slide before. Why? Because I have always hated my body. This has been an ongoing theme for me. And, it is something that I have always worked towards helping others overcome. So, why do I still struggle?

It's all me. It's pure self hatred on my part. It's me holding myself back. It's how I see myself.

A water slide may not seem like a big deal. What the water slide represents, however, is monumental. How many other experiences have I missed out on? How many more will I miss?

I have missed water slides, fun, time spent with my family, opportunities, freedom all because I see myself in a negative way. All because I never wanted to walk around (or be seen) in a bathing suit.

Yesterday, I got on a water slide. I wish I could say it was easy. I bought a new bathing suit that I felt adequately covered my thighs enough so I could walk around the water park with my kids.

There is a quote that I love, that challenges me....and I was reminded of it yesterday. "What is the life you really want, and the future God wants for you, is hiding right now in your biggest problem, your worst failure...your greatest fear?" (Mark Batterson)

I am diving in to my greatest fears, my insecurities, my failures and problems. I want to discover my future. I want to live my life....really experience life. So, I search for confidence....in my body and in my self. I have seen glimpses of it, and felt it. The struggle, it seems, is the hanging onto it. Keeping it close and before me at all times.

I need to remind myself of those times that I have had body confidence. Many months ago, I had nude photos of myself done. I loved them. I loved me. I loved my body. And then I forgot. I stopped loving me because I am not where I want to be. That perfect goal. I forgot to celebrate how far I have come already though. I stopped celebrating along the way. And I realized that I was paralyzed. And I was missing out. No more.