I'm Not Ready.....

It has been quite a week. Lonely. Heart breaking. Enlightening. Gut wrenching. Life changing. Hectic. Grief stricken. Lost. Scary. Numbing. Angry. Searching. Fear facing. That pretty much sums it up. I have spent most of my week just trying to survive and endure.

I'm not even sure how to write this coherently. Forgive me as I muddle through this. Hopefully it will make sense in the end.

October was a month of intense struggle for me. I have been going through some very private things and I was exhausted. So, I was looking forward to a Missions Conference at the end of October. I knew I needed to go. It began last Sunday.

Sunday: I never checked any messages that day. I was so excited about Missions Conference that evening. During worship, my current world of bliss shattered. I was given the news that a dear friend had died.

There is so much I could say here about Shaun, but I won't. He had been a very important part of my life. And those who knew him, know how special he was.

I stayed at Missions Conference through Tuesday. The need to feel something besides grief was overwhelming. In the services, I felt as though I had been flayed wide open. There was no barrier. Nothing to protect me from pain. Suddenly I was vulnerable. Over and over, I kept saying, "I'm not ready." I wasn't even entirely sure what I "wasn't ready" for. So I ran.

Wednesday: I prepared myself for my friend's funeral. Each step I took in the funeral home became heavier and more difficult. Again, my chant began, "I'm not ready." I ran as the funeral was beginning. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Thursday: We had an outreach at my church for trick or treaters. So, I stayed busy. Running away from what I needed to deal with and believing, "I'm not ready."

Friday: My 36th birthday. I had a third grade class party that afternoon to prepare for. That morning, I pulled in to Wal-Mart parking lot.....and froze. I broke. Completely. There was no running. I couldn't move. There I was, sitting in my car, wailing. I was broken. For forty-five minutes, I sobbed and screamed and shook. Drained, I quieted down to silent tears running down my face, matching the rain falling on my windows. When had I lost my hope?

My phone was making all kinds of racket. Facebook notifications were blowing up. I opened it and saw all of the Birthday greetings.  My spirit got quiet, no longer twisted up in torment. And I heard the whisper, "You must say goodbye." I whispered back, "but I'm not ready." And the answer, "You don't want to be ready."

It was true. There were so much that I wasn't saying goodbye to that kept me from moving forward. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to say goodbye to a man who had been like a brother to me. I didn't want to say goodbye to some old relationships that were dragging me down. I didn't want to say goodbye to old dreams. I didn't want to say goodbye to comfortable ways of doing things.

I was frightened.

My phone, still in my hand, lit up. Looking down, I see a post from my wonderful, beautiful friend: "NO FEAR FRIDAY", followed by this verse -

And I could finally breathe again.

Thank you everyone who made me smile and laugh this week. And thank you to those who held me up when I started to fall. A simple "Happy Birthday" did so much more than you realize. I thank you with everything in me. Thank you.

I have an art piece in my kitchen that says, "you are my sunshine." It is and always has been one of my favorite songs. So many of you are a shining light to me - more than you know. Thank you.

Just Smile

I was so excited to get back on here and blog every day again. Life doesn't always go as planned. And, I found myself in quite the predicament. I promised to always put all of myself out here on this blog. Yet, here I am unable to discuss some things that I have been hit with recently. Not because I don't want to, but because of how discussing those things affect others. So, I have remained quiet.

It has been amazing to me how much smiling I have been doing throughout all of this. The kind of smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes. That fragile shield between you and the world that can crumble under the scrutiny of those who know you best. That has been me lately. I am exhausted from the effort. And still....I smile.

I know what waits for me on the other side of this mountain that I must overcome. There is no fear. It's a lonely journey. That is the hard part.

Bri

This Is Not What I Planned On Writing This Morning

     We lost one of the great ones today. Her smiles. Her laughter. Her compassion. Her humor. Her love. Her light. Her light shone brightly. 

     I wanted to be her when I grew up. She was something I aspired to be. Her impact on me was eternal. 

    I will continue to think of her, as I often have over the years, with a smile on my face. 

    My love and prayers go out to her family and everyone who was blessed to have been touched by her. 

Pollyanna?

I was asked, today, if I always saw the good in people? To be honest, I didn't know how to answer that. I kept picturing Pollyanna in my mind, and I am certainly no Pollyanna. So, I looked over at my husband and he didn't seem to know how to answer the question either. Well, that certainly seemed to sway my answer toward the negative. I mean, if my own husband isn't sure.......

Tonight, I will watch some Pollyanna, take notes and play the Glad Game. And then grill my husband on what he really thinks of me. :)

Where Are Your Eyes?

This year has not been what I expected. It has been so much more. I have grown in ways that I didn't know were possible. I've witnessed miracles and blessings.....and love...so much love.

I have been striving this year to be known more for what I stand for than what I stand against. This has stretched me and challenged me greatly.

Every time I faced a storm, a question would rise on the inside of me. Where are your eyes? And I would realize, I was looking at those dark, swirling clouds. I felt the cold wind of fear and stinging rain of worry. My eyes were on the storm.

When I put my eyes on Jesus Christ, however, everything changed. I know longer saw darkness because I was looking directly into light. All I could feel was warmth and love and strength. The size of the storm had diminished to nothing. And I was no longer paralyzed in fear, I could walk on, closer and closer to the light, mine shining brighter and brighter.

It is amazing what all you can see once you have light to clear and illuminate your vision. I see more miracles now than ever. Why? Because my eyes are always drawn the light now.

I know there are terrible things going on in the world and in life. I choose not to focus on those things. It is too easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of the storm. Instead, I focus on Jesus, then His light can shine through me. You have to be close to the light in order to reflect it.

Your eyes show a reflection of your soul. So, what are you looking at? What are you reflecting?

Where are your eyes?

My Life in Pictures

I don't exist in photographs. I have no pictures documenting any of my pregnancies. No wedding photos. Not a family photo in sight for years.

I had challenged myself earlier in the year to take more personal photos. And I have done that. The only problem with being the photographer is that you are never on the side of the camera with everyone else.

I'm trying to do better. I want my children to have those pictures to remember me after I'm gone. Pictures are the tangible evidence of our memories. They make our memories a little brighter, a bit sweeter.

So, I am arming the family with cameras. We are going to photograph it all. And I will exist in the photographs. No longer as an observer, but as a key player.

Step in Faith

If He must keep coming back for me - it takes longer for the blessings, longer for the favor, longer to see and revel in His Glory. And I will miss out on so much because I stopped moving forward, stopped taking those steps in faith. From a run, to a crawl, to immobility....and finally, sleep. Awaken!

I was shown an opportunity. Took a step out in faith.

Was it ridiculous? Yes. Seemingly.
Did it feel like a giant leap? Yes.
Did it seem foolish? Most certainly.

But......God uses the foolish and the ridiculous for His Glory. And on His scale, what felt like a giant leap to me, was a mere baby step to Him. Which shows me - how much farther I can go, how much more He has for me....if I will only follow Him...a step in faith at a time.