"You still act like you weigh 300 pounds." This, from my son. At first I was confused, then I objected. His words sank in and I realized.....he was right. There were still things that I wasn't doing. Activities I wouldn't attempt. My thinking was still stuck at my former weight. I was still of the mindset that I couldn't do anything until I reached my weight goal. Only then could I start behaving the way I always wanted to.
So we made a pact to engage in a fun physical activity every day. Yesterday was kayaking. It was something that I thought I was too big to do. It turns out I'm not. And my kids and husband and I all loved it. Kayaking is something we are going to be doing quite often. Today is boxing. I can't wait for that this afternoon. Also on the list is canoeing, hiking, running a 5k, karate, a trampoline, horseback riding.....
So now I play on the playground equipment with my youngest. I laughed when I went down the slide. My son helped me realize that I wasn't acting my weight. I was walking in a shadow of my former self.
Time Well Spent
Standing in line at the store, after hurrying through to get the items on my list so I could go on to the next errand, I heard a sound. I looked down to see my youngest daughter quietly crying. I immediately asked her what was wrong.
"You don't spend enough time with us."
In defense mode, I replied, "Yes, I do. I am with you all of the time."
"No," she sniffled, "You don't. You are always on your phone or the computer or taking pictures or in your room or reading."
My heart had been gutted. Blood pulsated through my head and I could barely breathe. Was she right?
And then I heard my son say to her, "My friends see their parents even less than we see ours. We're lucky."
Lucky? They didn't look lucky to me at that moment. And I certainly didn't feel lucky. My daughter was right. Boundary lines had blurred for me. I was taking business calls in the evening. I was being available at all times to all people....except the ones who so desperately need me the most. And I had convinced myself otherwise because I saw them all day long. Only....I wasn't really seeing them.
Working from home is a difficult thing. I am here, but not really. I realized just how hard that is on my kids. And I realized just how much I am on my phone - calls, emails, texts, messages. Only half listening to what my kids were trying to tell me.
It's a hard habit to break. I've been leaving the phone behind more. I am setting up clear work boundaries. Family time is family time only now. I am no longer easy to get a hold of. My focus is moving back to where it needs to be. With my family. And me time is now out of the house, away from the kids so that they aren't feeling ignored. We are slowly inching our way toward balance.
Love and Blessings!