45 Wednesdays

Push Through...

I hate housework. I really hate housework. I am a terrible housewife. There are dishes sitting in my sink and on my counter right now, mocking me. I know that I need to wash them. Yet, all I can think about is throwing them all away and just buying new. I also feel that way about socks.

I love a clean home. Inviting and warm and sparkly. It's the point A to point B process that frustrates me. Truthfully, it is pure laziness. Deep down, I know that. So, tonight, I am going to push through and wash those dishes. 

My challenge to you is to wash your dishes (or scrub your toilet, whatever it is that needs done and you are putting off). I know, this is a really profound post today. Now, I am headed to the kitchen.

Love and Blessings!

Bri

44 Tuesdays

Standing on the edge.....

I am standing in my own way again. There are revisions that need to be finished before my first book is published. My super secret project is due on Friday. I was given another opportunity, yesterday, that involves the UK, a top publication and a dream of mine.

Yet, here I sit. Frozen. Keeping myself occupied with "busy" work with the promise that I will get to what I really need to do later. Why am I keeping my dreams out of reach? Why am I letting my fear run me? Why am I so afraid to see this finally come to pass? Why do I still believe that I don't deserve it? Why am I not loving myself enough to go for it? Why?

Do I really want this? Yes.

Then I need to do it. I need to put this first. I need to ask for help with other things so that I can focus on pursuing my dream. Because I can't do it all. My dream always goes on the back burner so that I can take care of my other responsibilities. It's time my dream came first. It's time I came first.

Pursue your dream. Ask for help. Stop putting yourself last.

Love and Blessings!

Bri

44 Mondays

Refresh...

Monday was all about reconnecting. Reconnecting with my body (in an intense Phase 2 of my bootcamp). Reconnecting with old friends. Reconnecting with areas of my faith that I've taken for granted. Reconnecting with my purpose.

It was a busy day. It was a day of reminders. A day of reflecting on memories and making new ones to cherish.

Love and Blessings!

Bri

45 Fridays

Only the Lonely...

My husband asked me why I didn't blog on Wednesday and Thursday. I became a bit snippy with him. I told him that writing isn't so easy. I don't always have something to say. Then I stormed out of the room.

Deep breath.

Here I am ....blogging. Immediately after the scene above. And what am I going to write about? Maybe I should try the truth about where I have been, in my head and heart for the last few days.

I have been lonely. The things that I share may not seem like a big deal, but they are to me. It actually takes a lot out of me. I can feel drained after. Putting myself out there without much, if any sometimes, feedback. Sometimes I feel lonely. And messed up. I begin my "What if's". What if people think that I am completely crazy? What if I am the only one who goes through all of this? What if I am the only one who has doubts and fears and feelings of inadequacies? What if.....?

So, I retreat. I retreat into my books. I read and I read, escaping into another world. To escape the loneliness that I sometimes feel being me. Unique, but not necessarily in a good way. I retreat until I feel strong again. And then I write.

Lonely and vulnerable. That's me. That has been my life for a few days. I limited my contact with the outside world. 

My challenge today is to go out. To write, even though I don't feel strong enough. To engage, even though I am feeling especially vulnerable. To push through. To fight even when I am tired. To recognize that loneliness is a choice - a choice that I need to stop choosing. To reach out instead of drawing in.

Love and Blessings!

Bri

45 Tuesdays

How Great is Thy Love....

About nine years ago, I was pregnant with my youngest child. I was leading Children's ministry at my church. I was working in various areas of the church. Then, one day, something happened to me. Something that turned my world upside down and changed me forever.

My husband and I were in a Christian bookstore on a Saturday (I was purchasing supplies for children's church the next day). I stopped and picked up a book. It was, What Did Jesus Do?, by Ray Comfort. I walked around with it and couldn't put it down. I looked at my husband and told him that I had to have that book. I knew it was important. I didn't realize that it was a matter of life and death.

The book was purchased and I read it that night. Crying, I went to my husband and said, "I'm not saved".

I was broken. I had believed a lie. I was teaching children and I was bound for hell. That book by Ray Comfort was the first real presentation of the Gospel that I had ever heard. What I had been told before was a lie. 

Christians go to heaven. Don't you want to go to heaven? It's happy there. God will make your life better if you are a Christian. Just believe that Jesus is God's Son and that he died for us. All you have to do is say this prayer and you're in the club. And these are the things that Christians do, so when you do them, everyone knows you are a Christian. It's that easy.

Lies. All of it. It was works based. I was working so hard to rid myself of my doubts .... to be a good enough Christian. To work for God's love, His acceptance of me. The truth was - I was not saved. I was never born again. I was dealing with the same heart. The same spirit as before. It all became so clear once I saw myself in the light of the Gospel.

The law showed me that I was condemned and bound for judgment. A single lie was enough to sentence me to an eternity in Hell. The law showed me that I needed a Savior and why I needed one. I sinned against a Holy God. The God who created me. The God who loved me. The God who created me for a purpose. And I betrayed Him. When I saw myself as I truly was, the sorrow, the pain that I felt. What had I done? And then, the Good News of the grace of God. Jesus Christ. The Savior. The Beloved Son that God sacrificed for me. Would I ever willingly sacrifice my child for someone who betrayed me? That brought me to my knees. Jesus took my punishment. He endured the anguish of complete separation from God. He felt the eternity of it. The hopelessness. The pain. The death. All for me. To try and understand the depth of that kind of love for me...overwhelming. I believed. I really believed. Not just in what He did, but why He did it. I cried out to God, begged Him to forgive me. I handed over my life for a brand new one. When I stood up, I was new. I was a different person. I had life, real life, flowing through me. In awe of who He is, what He's done, what He continues to do. I was really born again. 

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever BELIEVES in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world, through Him, might be saved." John 3:16-17 

I finally understood what BELIEVE really meant. I was condemned and I was saved through Jesus Christ. I repented and believed. Only through my repentance could I see, really see, what I needed. Who I needed. The grace that was provided. My salvation.

I would love for you to read the book of John today. Read it straight through. It is really a love letter. It is beautiful. It will build your faith. 

And, if you aren't born again, I pray that your eyes will be opened, your heart softened and that you will hear the Gospel. If you are searching, I pray that you find the answers. I am always available. I can be contacted by email (info@brigardner.com) or Facebook

Love and Blessings!

Bri

45 Mondays

Marriage and Sex...

It's another Marriage Monday! Sometimes it's easy to fall into a routine in your marriage. Sex can be hurried. You're just trying to fit it in among the 1,001 things you have to do day in and day out. Do you remember what it was like in the beginning though? Was it great? Was it fantastic?

It should be so much better as time goes on - not worse. There is no excuse for boring sex. If you are married, you should be having sex...and lots of it. And not just sex....there should be amazing intimacy going on. When was the last time that you two spent hours just "making out"? Spouses should be intimate daily.

Have a make out session tonight. It might lead to mind blowing sex or it might not. Enjoy the intimacy. Remember why he makes you tingle. Remember why he made you forget to breathe. And live in the moment of now and how now is so much better. Because you know each other better.....because you have more memories you share together....because you are just more...together.

Love and Blessings!

Bri 

46 Saturdays

Week in Review...

47 Wednesdays - I was reminded of the importance of nurturing friendships and building relationships. It is so easy to let those waste away. 

46 Thursdays - I spent the day in meetings and conferences. My house was shouting at me with it's complaint of neglect when I finally made it home late that evening. I ignored the protests.

47 Fridays - Valentine's Day. The day of love and romance. Spent the day with my husband and our two children (who still live at home) out and about. Snow and all around bad weather hit. We had a difficult time getting home but we made it.

This week has been non-stop on the go for me. When I haven't been closed up working on my top secret project, I have been out. This week, my family has also been dealt quite a few blows. We are navigating through, the best we can, keeping our trust in God. And, sometimes, that is hard to do. When sucker punched by circumstance or a situation, my first thought is still - "What are we going to do?". Thankfully my immediate response is - "Trust God".  However, I wish I wouldn't even ask the first question. Why do I go there? I let fear rise up. I stomp it down, but I still let it rise up a bit first. 

Today, I am taking stock of what I have and thanking God for it all. And, I am thanking Him for what is coming. I am thanking Him for His promises. 

Now that this past week is over, I can get back to blogging every day again. I have missed it.

My challenge for you today is to look back over your week and be thankful for all that you have. Don't dwell on what you don't have or a situation that has you feeling down. If you're reading this, you have life, breath, a working body, love to give, love to receive, hopes, dreams, opportunities, choices....the list goes on.

Love and Blessings!

Bri

46 Tuesdays

Decisions...

There was no blog post yesterday. I needed to clear my head and heart. So, I took Monday as a sort of Daycation. I think it is important to take a day for yourself every once in awhile. Clear out the clutter inside of you. I didn't know why I needed to do that, but I knew it was needed. And I am so glad that I did.

Early this morning, I was given an amazing opportunity. It is a project that will take up much of my time over the next two weeks. If I hadn't taken yesterday "off", I don't know that I would or could have made the right decision today. 

When faced with the task of making a decision, you want to be clear minded and pure of heart. Clutter clouds your judgment. Every time. There is no better example of that than in the movie, Labyrinth. The scene of the junk lady keeping Sarah from her purpose. Clouding up her judgment with clutter. (Seriously, if you haven't seen this movie, there is something wrong with you. It's one of my all time favorites. Full of life lessons.)

I challenge you today to clear your mind and heart before you make a decision. Make sure you can make the best decision. The decisions you make have great impact on your life. Step back, take a minute (or a day), and remove the clutter. When you can see clearly, the answer is always clear.

Love and Blessings!

Bri

47 Fridays

Do something....

Happy Friday! I'm calling today Fun Friday. My challenge today was to throw the plan out the window and do something spontaneous. Try something new. Something fun!

That is what I am doing today. And that is what I want you to do today. That is your challenge! Step out of your routine. Do something different, something you've never tried before. You just might like it.

Have a great weekend!!!

Love and Blessings!

Bri

47 Thursdays

The importance of your why....

A major driving force in my life, before now, was gaining acceptance. Applause. Validation. Accolades. I would go from one extreme of doing tasks or performing to gain that acceptance to hiding in self-loathing because I felt I didn't deserve it.

Why? That was the million dollar question.

The easy answer seemed to be because I craved love that I was never given. Because I grew up not feeling wanted or valued. That was the easy answer. Easy to blame others. Easy to justify. Easy to release me of responsibility. Easy for me to avoid the real answer.

So I asked myself "Why?" again. This time I looked at what I was doing to find the answer. All of the competitions I entered, awards I sought, applause I performed for.....it was basically public masturbation. I was doing all of those things to make me feel good. For a brief moment of pleasure. This was all about me. It began and ended with me.

I bypassed the easy answer and found the truth. The truth was that I didn't love myself. I felt I wasn't worthy. I didn't accept myself. I hated me. That was my why.

It has taken me a lot of time to love myself. Now, when I do something my why is rooted in love and truth. That has made all the difference in my happiness, my relationships, my life. I am purposeful in not letting my "why" come from a place of selfishness. My "why" must come from a place of gratitude.

Your challenge - find your "Why".

Love and Blessings!
Bri  

48 Wednesdays

Let's Make a Memory...

Before I go to sleep at night, questions go through my mind and pierce my heart. One of those questions is, "Did I do anything to make a memory for my family?". That question leads to, "Did I make sure my family knows how much I love them?". Which leads to, "If I am gone tomorrow, is what I did today enough?".

It is so easy, in the busyness of life, for minutes to turn to hours, hours to days, days to months, months to years. Then someone is gone and you are asking yourself, "where did the time go?", "why didn't I ____?".

As a mom, I often think of the legacy that I want to leave for my children. Ultimately, I want to leave a legacy of love for them. I want their memories to be grounded in love. I want them to understand it, recognize it, give it, receive it, live it, and be it. 

My challenge for you today is to begin making memories. Every day. How will you answer those questions each night? What is your legacy? What can you do today? 

Love and Blessings!

Bri

47 Tuesdays

The Million Dollar Question...

Last year, I was asked the following question:

If I gave you one million dollars, what would you do?

That question gave me pause. What would I do? Would I continue to do what I was doing? What would one million dollars enable me to do?

So I wrote down what I would do. I would write and publish my books. I would step out in ministry. I would continue photography because I wanted to and not because I had to. I would spend more time with my family. I would travel. I would give back more. I would bless others more. 

Then I was asked a second question:

Why can't you do that without the million?

The truth was that I could. I was making money a stumbling block keeping me from doing those things. Sure, a million dollars would make it easier. Did I really need it to be easier though? So I decided to go for my million dollar list - without the million dollars. 

My challenge today is to work on my million dollar list. I am in the middle of a re-edit of one of my books and I intend to finish it today. 

My challenge to you is to make your million dollar list today. What on the list can you already be doing?

Love and Blessings!

Bri

47 Mondays

So....

Wow. Every time I begin this, something gets stuck in my throat. I am frozen in place and know that I cannot move forward until I do this. So, I was faced with a choice - move forward or be held back. Moving forward it is. 

I had lived most of my life on survival techniques. It is not the life that I wanted to live, but I was unsure of how to get out of it. I have an ability to read people and I used that ability to become who I needed to be in order to survive. Sort of like Mystique in the X-Men. Only not as cool. Giving that up was really hard for me because I didn't know how to interact socially otherwise. It is something that I have to purposefully reign in. In order to explain where I am now, I have to explain how I came to be then.

The background I am giving is brief, difficult and necessary. At age six, I was molested by a relative. This went on for almost three years. At age nine, I was molested by another relative. At 20 I was raped by someone I trusted. 

Now, I don't know what you are thinking. But let me tell you what I always assumed people would think of me. What I thought of myself. It was my fault. There was something wrong with me. I was damaged and clearly, I had done something to deserve this. Not only did I believe that, but I was told that. 

I learned to shut myself off emotionally. It was the only way I could survive what was happening to me. I became numb. And I became a chameleon. I could play whatever part was required of me. I let no one in. I shunned physical contact unless it was required of my character. The truth was...I wasn't really living. 

It took me years to quit acting. And then I still avoided human contact as much as possible. I still had a protective wall firmly in place. That wall came down because of one tiny, petite woman with one of the biggest hearts I know. Her name is Sharon. We attended church together. That woman would not quit hugging me. I tried to avoid her, but she just kept coming after me. Sharon didn't give quick "hi, how are you?" kind of hugs. Her hugs reached into the soul and said, "if you fall, I will pick you up, kiss away the hurts and help you walk again". I teared up every time she hugged me. My wall was no match for Sharon. I began to really feel again. 

Now fast forward about 12 years to present day. I realized there was a part of my life that I was still operating under survival mode. I had refused to deal with the emotions of what had happened to me. It was keeping me from fully benefiting from God's perfect grace. So, I stopped hiding. I stopped running. I stopped beating myself up. I simply...stopped. And I felt. I relived it all. And when I was done...when I was ripped apart....when I was weak....I found my strength. I forgave it all. I forgave them all. I forgave me. I forgave me for holding myself hostage and denying myself so much happiness. I was able to feel God's love for me in a different way - deeper. 

This was hard for me. I didn't realize it until I was confronted with it. Today is a huge step forward for me. I refuse to hide or hold myself back. I understand my power better now. I can still be awkward in social situations, but I am a work in progress. And progress I will.

My challenge to you is to find out what is holding you back. What haven't you dealt with? And find someone to hug you - not just hug but hold you. Rest in that embrace for awhile. And it's okay if you cry. It means you're alive. And then hug someone and hold them up. Be a Sharon for someone else. 

Love and Blessings!

Bri

Note: I made an edit and took out a sentence because it mentioned someone else and I did not intend to cause hurt.

48 Saturdays

What happened to Thursday and Friday?

I would love to say that I won the lottery and that is why I didn't post Thursday and Friday. Even an alien abduction would be interesting. The truth is that I was being a big chicken.

Thursday's blog post began and I froze up. I hit the delete key and began again. Re-freeze. Delete. Begin again. On and on this went until I just stopped. I needed to figure out what was wrong. 

When I write, I let these posts just sort of flow out of me. I don't make an outline. I don't refer to things that I have already written. I simply sit down, pray for guidance and write. 

Thursday's post was putting me in a very vulnerable position. That left me feeling.....well, feeling raw. Feelings are something that I have always had rigid control over. I can come across as cold and emotionless to many people. It is a defense mechanism that I have always had. And while that is great when one is just trying to survive, it isn't beneficial to living a thriving life. 

As I was writing the post on Thursday, I felt as if I had been gutted open. At first, I argued that what I was writing was just too personal to share. So, I left it. I would write again on Friday. Friday came and I was faced with the same problem. I realized the problem I had was seeing it in front of me. All of it, in black and white, glaring at me. To see it, I had to feel it all over again. I had to feel. I couldn't hide from the emotion of it all. It had to be dealt with. And that is what I have been doing. This is where I've been.

Thursday's post has now become Monday's post. It is important I share it - because it is a part of me. When I began this blog, I stated that I would hold nothing back, no matter how difficult. It is part of my growing process. 

Love and Blessings!

Bri