40 Mondays

The Ugly Sister...

My sister, Crescent, began hitting me with pinterest quotes about beauty this morning because she didn't appreciate my candor.

I sent her a photo that I had snapped with my phone (a scary selfie) this morning. I was wanting to show her how fabulous my hair looked when I woke up this morning. And, since it was 5 am, obviously I was not wearing makeup. 

She told me to post it on facebook. I declined. She persisted. I explained that I couldn't possibly post it because I'm not pretty.

Hence the pinterest quotes about beauty she sent me.

The thing is....my beautiful sister doesn't understand what it is to be ugly. More precisely...to have an ugly face. I have one and she doesn't.

She didn't have to live in the shadow of her younger and beautiful sisters. (Not to mention the beautiful half-sisters I also have....I just couldn't catch a break). She wasn't known as the ugly one in the family. She didn't grow up hearing comments like, "It's a good thing she's smart because she's no beauty." She never had her dates tell her that it was her body that was attractive but her face was a turn off. She never had to try and be the smart one or the funny one to "be a part".... she could just be all of those things because she was already pretty.

But I did.

I learned to use my body to my advantage. And I did all I could to detract from my face.

I have written before about how I learned to love my body and that I see it as beautiful. And I do. I have even posed nude (photos for myself and my husband - I am a professional photographer). The common thread in those photos.....the reason I can see them...see me as beautiful - my face is not in them. 

Over the years, I have learned to use makeup, hold my head a certain way, control facial expressions....all to detract from the ugliness in my face. I avoid having my photo taken. I hate mirrors. 

My husband tells me I'm beautiful without makeup, but I don't believe him. And this morning, my sister tells me I'm beautiful without makeup. I don't believe her either. Is it because of all the times I have been told by so many others the opposite? Maybe. But I see it too. 

I've never been pretty. And I've been okay with that. Atleast that is what I tell myself. When I can avoid seeing my face, I can almost forget. When I look at myself though, I cringe instantly. 

I see the weird asysmmetry of my face. My uneven eyes, my strange chin, my ugly nose, the dark bags......

But, I also see all of the pain and rejection I've ever had right there. All of it. And it's ugly. It's a reminder that I avoid.

But since I am all about overcoming this year. I am accepting the challenge that my sister threw down. I am posting the photo of myself that I took this morning. Without makeup. In all my nakedness and vulnerability. In all of my ugliness.

I am not looking for exclamations and false statements telling me that I am beautiful. I understand that my face is not who I am. But it is a part of me. 

If I could ask anything, it would be to never tell anyone that they are ugly. Focus on their beauty and the whole sum of them. Because that one part that isn't good enough, is what taunts and torments forever. So, if the focus is never directed to that one part, they will never know it's there because their gaze will be on their beauty.

Love and Blessings!

Bri