Search for Body Confidence

I experienced my very first water slide ride yesterday. Thirty-five years old and I had never been on a water slide before. Why? Because I have always hated my body. This has been an ongoing theme for me. And, it is something that I have always worked towards helping others overcome. So, why do I still struggle?

It's all me. It's pure self hatred on my part. It's me holding myself back. It's how I see myself.

A water slide may not seem like a big deal. What the water slide represents, however, is monumental. How many other experiences have I missed out on? How many more will I miss?

I have missed water slides, fun, time spent with my family, opportunities, freedom all because I see myself in a negative way. All because I never wanted to walk around (or be seen) in a bathing suit.

Yesterday, I got on a water slide. I wish I could say it was easy. I bought a new bathing suit that I felt adequately covered my thighs enough so I could walk around the water park with my kids.

There is a quote that I love, that challenges me....and I was reminded of it yesterday. "What is the life you really want, and the future God wants for you, is hiding right now in your biggest problem, your worst failure...your greatest fear?" (Mark Batterson)

I am diving in to my greatest fears, my insecurities, my failures and problems. I want to discover my future. I want to live my life....really experience life. So, I search for confidence....in my body and in my self. I have seen glimpses of it, and felt it. The struggle, it seems, is the hanging onto it. Keeping it close and before me at all times.

I need to remind myself of those times that I have had body confidence. Many months ago, I had nude photos of myself done. I loved them. I loved me. I loved my body. And then I forgot. I stopped loving me because I am not where I want to be. That perfect goal. I forgot to celebrate how far I have come already though. I stopped celebrating along the way. And I realized that I was paralyzed. And I was missing out. No more.