Friday, June 27, 2014

Wonder Woman and My Superhero


My friends and family all know about my love of Wonder Woman. And I see the eye rolls from people when they see a grown woman wearing her Wonder Woman shirt, necklace, bracelet......out in public. I don't care - I love her and I let the whole world know it. What I don't typically talk about is why I love her so much.

Wonder Woman is a link to my dad. I don't have an abundance of joyous childhood memories, and even less with my dad. There is one, however, that has always stood out. One memory that has comforted me over the years. One moment that held me when my dad didn't anymore. One that continues to do so.

I am not even sure how old I was, but I believed I was Wonder Woman. I was bouncing across the sofa in my Wonder Woman underoos, deflecting bullets from the bad guy (played by my dad) off of my bracelets. Finally, I caught him with my lasso of truth.

              "Tell me a truth, daddy", in my most serious Wonder Woman tone.

              "I love you more than you'll ever know." Then he smiled that big smile of his and lifted me high so that I was soaring in my invisible jet. He made me feel invincible. He was my superhero and he loved me.


He left when I was five. And I saw him less than once a year. Every Christmas, I would jump when the phone rang....hoping and praying that he would remember to call that year. Sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't. I would make up excuses to call him, say that I needed something - just so he would pay attention to me. In junior high, I spent an entire chorus concert watching the door because he told me he might make it. He didn't. He never made it to my high school graduation. He met my husband for the first time after we had been married for 8 years because I hadn't seen him in ten.

Over the years, I would resolve to not care. Every once in awhile, something would arrive in the mail from him. Something Wonder Woman. And I would remember that moment, as a little girl, when I believed he loved me.

In July of 2010, I got a call that he was sick. So, I went to Florida to see him. He was his usual charming, funny self and refused to have any conversation that was heartfelt or serious. As I was preparing to leave, he gave me one of his famous hugs. He gave the best hugs. He would hold you really tight, and then just as he would start to let go, he would pull you back in tight again. The hug seemed to go on forever. And he said, "I love you more than you'll ever know". Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.

I was back down there when he died in April 2011. He was already dying and never woke up while I was there. I lay on the bed next to him, holding his hand, my head on his shoulder, telling him over and over again that I loved him through my tears. I left Florida as soon as he passed.

I didn't know if he really loved me. Because, actions speak louder than words, right? I mean, that is what we're taught. I started to believe that he didn't love me. I couldn't see it. He didn't do what dads are supposed to do. I was broken. Gone were my dreams of dad swooping in like the superhero I had, at one time, believed him to be. I would never hear his voice again. I would never have another one of his hugs that I so badly craved. There was no more hope to repair a relationship that had gone so far awry. It was over. And I was left gutted.

My husband did something amazing. He bought me a Wonder Woman necklace and a Wonder Woman shirt, just over a year ago. It was the most precious gift - a reminder of my greatest memory of my dad - and one that I had locked away after he died. And I finally saw it. The actions behind the words. He wasn't capable of being a "normal" dad and he wasn't perfect. But he sent me reminders through the years of that moment when I knew I had his love. It turns out I had it all along.

So, if you see me out in my Wonder Woman gear - it's probably because I was really missing my dad that day. My superhero, who loved me more than I ever knew.

Bri


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