34 Tuesdays

I Needed to Clear My Head....and Heart....

I took a very necessary break from the blog. I took on too much again. I was dealing with pain and hurt - physically and emotionally. There has been a lot that I have been processing these last few weeks. It has been difficult. I have felt both crowded and alone. Loved and rejected. Wanted and discarded. Weak and strong. Useless and needed. All at the same time. 

I have worked really hard this year to open up and be vulnerable. To tear down walls and make myself available. Stupidly, I believed that was the hard part. Smooth sailing from there. How wrong I have discovered that to be. Opening up has been the easy part. Feeling has been the hard part for me.

I have been known as an ice queen (and rightly so). Closed off and unfeeling. That was me. I could cut someone out of my life without a second glance, without guilt, without remorse, without sorrow or sadness....without feeling...anything. I'm not saying I was a robot or anything. I did feel things. I just kept people at arm's length. I fought personal connections. I was too easily hurt that way.

Yet, this year, I forced my self to really step out. It has been huge for me. It may look like I am in a shell to many, but this is leaps and bounds from where I've been. 

And I have been reeling from the magnitude of feelings that I have had to endure ever since.

I cared about people before, but I never allowed people to care about me. I didn't believe anyone did. So, I didn't care if anyone did because I never let them in. 

One day, earlier this year, a single text sent my world spinning and left me on the floor, sobbing and hyperventilating. I had sent someone that I cared (and still do care) about a happy birthday text. I had been praying for her and shared that with her. She is one of the best people I have ever met. She sent me a reply that said she valued our friendship. I was floored! I didn't know we were friends. I have never really done "friends" that well. How and when did we become friends? Seriously?! I asked my husband. His response was along the lines of, "Of course you're friends. What is wrong with you?". 

She was my friend. She is my friend. We're not "hang out on Friday night" friends. We've never hit a movie or dinner together. But I would walk through fire for her. She is the first one I go to when I need someone to pray. She is eloquent and encouraging. She is loving and giving and so funny and incredibly brilliant. We aren't best friends. But I can't imagine who I would be without her. Who my children would be. Who my family would be. She has impacted my family that much. She has helped to build faith in my children. She has put the Word of God into them. She has taught my family lessons in giving, kindness, prayer, belief, and love. She inspires. 

And my friend is my reminder now that when I am open and get hurt and rejected and abandoned, that I can also be lifted up and loved and wanted. (I'm suddenly reminded of the opening to the Facts of Life theme song.) 

I want to share a story about my friend before I go. This past Saturday, my friend was sick. Really sick. And she was missing one of her really good college friend's wedding because she was sick. She had asked me to pray for her. She was obviously devastated that she was missing the wedding. So, I put on my wedding dress, the family got dressed up (husband and son both wore ties!), and we rehearsed a mock wedding to perform in my friend's front yard. On the way to her house, I stopped at a store to pick up a slice of wedding cake (what's a wedding without cake?) and a restaurant to pick up chicken noodle soup (she was sick, remember?). Now, you can imaging the attention I got walking through both places in a wedding dress! Several people asked me questions and I briefly told them what I was doing. Every single person had the same reaction. They said, "Wow! That must be some friend for you to do that".  And that basically sums it up. She is that kind of friend. She inspires that. She is that amazing. She is that valued. She is that special. And I can't thank God enough for putting her in my life.

Here is your challenge - Who would you walk through fire for? What crazy or special or inconvenient thing can you do for that person? Do it! No excuses!

Love and Blessings!

Bri