47 Mondays

So....

Wow. Every time I begin this, something gets stuck in my throat. I am frozen in place and know that I cannot move forward until I do this. So, I was faced with a choice - move forward or be held back. Moving forward it is. 

I had lived most of my life on survival techniques. It is not the life that I wanted to live, but I was unsure of how to get out of it. I have an ability to read people and I used that ability to become who I needed to be in order to survive. Sort of like Mystique in the X-Men. Only not as cool. Giving that up was really hard for me because I didn't know how to interact socially otherwise. It is something that I have to purposefully reign in. In order to explain where I am now, I have to explain how I came to be then.

The background I am giving is brief, difficult and necessary. At age six, I was molested by a relative. This went on for almost three years. At age nine, I was molested by another relative. At 20 I was raped by someone I trusted. 

Now, I don't know what you are thinking. But let me tell you what I always assumed people would think of me. What I thought of myself. It was my fault. There was something wrong with me. I was damaged and clearly, I had done something to deserve this. Not only did I believe that, but I was told that. 

I learned to shut myself off emotionally. It was the only way I could survive what was happening to me. I became numb. And I became a chameleon. I could play whatever part was required of me. I let no one in. I shunned physical contact unless it was required of my character. The truth was...I wasn't really living. 

It took me years to quit acting. And then I still avoided human contact as much as possible. I still had a protective wall firmly in place. That wall came down because of one tiny, petite woman with one of the biggest hearts I know. Her name is Sharon. We attended church together. That woman would not quit hugging me. I tried to avoid her, but she just kept coming after me. Sharon didn't give quick "hi, how are you?" kind of hugs. Her hugs reached into the soul and said, "if you fall, I will pick you up, kiss away the hurts and help you walk again". I teared up every time she hugged me. My wall was no match for Sharon. I began to really feel again. 

Now fast forward about 12 years to present day. I realized there was a part of my life that I was still operating under survival mode. I had refused to deal with the emotions of what had happened to me. It was keeping me from fully benefiting from God's perfect grace. So, I stopped hiding. I stopped running. I stopped beating myself up. I simply...stopped. And I felt. I relived it all. And when I was done...when I was ripped apart....when I was weak....I found my strength. I forgave it all. I forgave them all. I forgave me. I forgave me for holding myself hostage and denying myself so much happiness. I was able to feel God's love for me in a different way - deeper. 

This was hard for me. I didn't realize it until I was confronted with it. Today is a huge step forward for me. I refuse to hide or hold myself back. I understand my power better now. I can still be awkward in social situations, but I am a work in progress. And progress I will.

My challenge to you is to find out what is holding you back. What haven't you dealt with? And find someone to hug you - not just hug but hold you. Rest in that embrace for awhile. And it's okay if you cry. It means you're alive. And then hug someone and hold them up. Be a Sharon for someone else. 

Love and Blessings!

Bri

Note: I made an edit and took out a sentence because it mentioned someone else and I did not intend to cause hurt.